This past year has been brutally difficult for so many people dealing with the loss of loved ones. A version of the following article originally appeared in Body & Soul magazine (formerly New Age Journal), on the anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy in New York City. I share it here, hoping that it may help those who are grieving due to the pandemic.
I was a tireless and resourceful caregiver in the months leading up to my husband’s death from cancer. But the day after Jim’s funeral, I developed acute bursitis in both shoulders. Soon my feet began to cramp up. As the months went by, my left side developed a whole series of odd complaints—shoulder and toe aches, a benign cyst on my calf, eczema on the knee, lumps and pains in my breast. I also suffered from constriction in my chest, a clenching in my gut, an ache in my heart, a lump in my throat, an inability to focus, trembling hands and erratic sleep. I knew I wasn’t sick—but I also didn’t know how to help myself.
While traditional bereavement-counseling programs address the psychological effects of grief, they offer few options for dealing with common physical symptoms of emotional trauma—aside from eating a balanced diet, getting plenty of rest and exercising regularly. It’s easy to deny yourself even these basic forms of nurturing because grief can initially leave you in anguish, overwhelmed and disconnected from reality. However, research shows a direct correlation between stress and physical illness, so care for your body and attention to the environment in which you do your grieving, both in the beginning and over time, are critical for becoming whole again. Furthermore, being proactive about your own healing can empower you during a time of extreme vulnerability.
I had been fortunate to have the support of a number of healers while Jim was dying: a Vietnamese practitioner of Eastern medicine, a European homeopath and three different individuals who specialized in working on the human energy field. With their guidance, I learned to sense energy in Jim’s body with my hands and to use this ability to alleviate his pain. They also taught me about the mind/body connection—that unprocessed emotions may result in physical symptoms of varying intensity.
“The body has memories stored in every bone, nerve and muscle—every cell. This is why we have the term ‘cellular memory,’” says Ilana Rubenfeld, originator of the Rubenfeld Synergy Method, a therapy that addresses the effects of blocked emotions in the physical body. She confirms that traumatic events can shape the way we think, feel and act, so releasing and processing related emotions is vital for health.
This made sense to me: dealing with my foot cramps made me realize that I was afraid to stand on my own. I faced my fear, did some purposeful walking, and the cramps went away. After this triumph, I determined to keep my heart open and to continue to learn more. As I began to experiment and look for teachers to help me on my journey, I found that any gentle focus on my “energy body” and my physical body always contributed to greater emotional stability and healing.
Here is a sampling of approaches you can try in addition to any professional counseling and other healing options you might choose. They are drawn from my own experiences and from my research into energy medicine and Western folk wisdom.
Release and Protection
The death of a loved one is also the death of a certain way of being. You may have to rebuild yourself on many levels, which can leave you feeling very vulnerable until you get on more solid ground. Honoring the hard work of recovery includes the two energies of releasing from within and also protecting from without.
Set boundaries for your healing
The time of grieving should be considered a sacred retreat. In cultures other than our own, specific periods are allotted for mourning, providing time and space for introspection. A Muslim widow, for example, goes on retreat for four months and ten days, and in traditional Judaism, a parent is mourned for a year. Even if you have other responsibilities, consider setting your own time frame in order to create a protective boundary and discourage friends and relatives from pushing you to “get over it.” Let them know that you are doing some very challenging spiritual work, which needs your attention and their support. Check in with yourself at the end of your “retreat” to see if you need to establish new or different boundaries. You may want to perform a closing ritual whenever it feels appropriate.
Create a sacred space
Choose a special place in your home to do your grieving and inner work. Create a tableau or altar with pictures of your loved one and objects of personal meaning: stones, feathers, small works of art, scented candles, flowers—whatever feels right. A bowl of clear water can be a soothing addition. If you use your space consistently, it will become a sanctuary.
Let your tears cleanse your spirit
Folk wisdom has long extolled the benefits of a “good cry.” Tears contain ACTH, a stress hormone, according to biochemist William Frey, Ph.D., former director of the Dry Eye and Tear Research Center in Minneapolis. This suggests that they help detoxify the body.And research confirms that emotional release lowers blood pressure and heart rate. So don’t hold back your tears, but nurture yourself and rebalance your energy afterwards (see “Grounding and Balancing,” below, for suggestions).
Try yoga to release tension
Yoga is an exceptional practice for dealing with grief—especially Viniyoga, which focuses on the breath, and restorative poses. To reap the greatest benefit, look for a knowledgeable teacher who can offer you specific guidance, and practice regularly. “At the end of a session, when you are lying quietly and feeling relaxed, allow any unprocessed feelings of grief to be present,” suggests Garrett Sarley, former president of the Omega Institute, a holistic learning center in Rhinebeck, New York. “Then let those feelings turn into energy and move on through you.” Sarley and his wife, Ila, are the authors of Natural Yoga (naturalyoga.com), which combines yoga postures with meditation, chanting and prayer.
Practice deep breathing
In Eastern medicine, the lungs are the organs most connected to the emotion of grief. To ease the heaviness in your chest, try this deep-breathing exercise: Lie on your back, raise your arms over your head, arch your back and stretch a few times to open your chest and lift your diaphragm. Now put your arms at your sides, place a lightweight paperback book on your belly, and practice taking full and deep breaths (to raise and lower the book) for at least five minutes several times a day. Inhale slowly for 6-8 counts, filling your abdomen and chest from bottom to top; hold for one count; then exhale completely, from top-of-lungs to belly, for 6-8 counts; hold; and repeat.
Shield yourself with clothing
We all need to be touched to thrive. If you have been physically close to the person you lost, perhaps that explains why you feel like part of you is missing. Try wearing something soft and comforting next to your skin under your clothing to help you adjust to the change. If you sleep alone, make a nest for yourself by hugging a soft pillow at night and putting pillows at your back. Or invest in a full-size body pillow and sleep cuddled around it.
Create an invisible protective shield
Take a few deep breaths and then open your arms as if you are gathering an invisible hooded cloak and wrap it around you, moving your hands gently down the front of your body a few times, as if you were smoothing the cloth. Repeat the affirmation, “I am safe when I am seen” several times, and take a moment to experience yourself becoming more calm and centered.
Protect yourself from excess noise and negativity
Limit your exposure to noise, depressing or intensely stimulating media programs and books, and negative interactions with people. If any of these are unavoidable, try scheduling your involvement during a time of day when you feel the most centered. Surround yourself with your protective shield and do any of the following energy-balancing exercises before and afterwards.
Grounding and Balancing
Releasing emotions can leave you feeling exhausted and off-balance. Look for ways to ground and balance your energy whenever you find yourself in this state, when you have to deal with challenging issues, and also when you are out in public and likely to encounter people who might throw you off-center. If you are new to working with energy, be persistent; initially the effects can be very subtle. You will eventually feel a sense of warmth, relaxation and a general lightening and lifting of your mood.
Maintain order in your environment
According to the principles of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of environmental placement, everything in the world, both natural and human-made, is alive and interconnected. Maintaining order in your surroundings, therefore, helps you maintain order in your inner life and keeps positive energy freely circulating. If you are overwhelmed with details and friends offer to lend a hand, consider asking for help with basic needs like lawn mowing, a visit to the recycling center, or a gift certificate for a temporary cleaning service.
Try energy medicines for emotional balancing
Homeopathics and flower essences have been used for more than a century without adverse effects. Try homeopathic Ignatia amara for grief and loneliness, or Aconitum napellus for shock, fear, and anxiety. Try Rescue Remedy flower essence: four drops on the tongue every half-hour when you are feeling your worst. These are available over the counter in health food stores, or ask a homeopath or a flower essence practitioner to prescribe specific doses.
Visualize grounding yourself through the earth
Try this simple grounding exercise from psychotherapist Warren Grossman, Ph.D., founder/director of a school of healing in Toledo, Ohio (warrengrossman.com), where he trains people to heal using the energy of nature:Take your shoes off and stamp your feet a few times to wake them up. Feel the sensations of your feet against the earth. Then, blow out slowly and audibly while you visualize sending a stream of energy from your heart through the bottom of one foot and deep into the ground. Repeat with the other foot.
Give yourself an energy bath
Therapeutic Touch (therapeutictouch.org), an energy-balancing technique widely used in hospitals for pain and stress management, can effectively soothe jangled nerves. Try this version as a preparation for inner work: Center yourself, then rub your hands briskly together a few times to energize them and close your eyes. Beginning at the top of your head, smooth the area about an inch above your body, all the way down to your feet. Imagine you are caressing your energy field all over, down your arms, down the front of your chest and legs, and especially around your head if your thoughts are racing or obsessive. Sit quietly for a few moments to experience the benefits.
Balance your energy with Jin Shin Jyutsu
This self-applied form of Japanese acupressure (jsjinc.net) uses gentle finger or hand pressure applied to the body’s energy points to balance your system. Each finger is connected through an energy meridian to a major organ, and each organ reflects a specific emotional state. For relief from anxiety and depression, gently hold your right thumb with your left hand for a few minutes; switch hands and repeat. To ease grief and negativity, hold your ring finger (first one, then the other).
Nourishing and Stimulating the Senses
The path to wholeness ultimately leads to rediscovering your source of creativity through expressing and revealing the complexity and richness of your inner world. While grief and shock can temporarily close the gates to this source, basic nurturing of your senses can open them again.
Nourish yourself with beauty
Contemplate something beautiful and unconditionally wonderful every day—early fall flowers, bright sun on a windowsill, a child’s finger painting, a brilliant full moon or a special Web site image. Let beauty stretch you and open your heart, even to the point of tears. Rediscover your sense of awe.
Eat comfort foods and drink herbal teas
Let friends and relatives feed you your own special comfort foods, whether the proverbial chicken soup, a plate of pasta, or a simple green salad. Sit together over cups of herbal tea. Or if you can’t bear the sight of food, eat very simply and drink lots of warm liquids, teas and broth. Chamomile and peppermint teas soothe the nerves and the digestive tract; valerian tea is good for anxiety and sleeplessness. Take your vitamins and feed your senses instead until your appetite returns.
Use aromatherapy scents to soothe
To help keep your immune system primed, stimulate your sense of smell. Try the sedative oil of lavender—a few drops in a warm bath or on your heart—to calm your nerves and help with insomnia. Rose soothes feelings of anxiety, anger, envy and resentment. Clary sage and ylang-ylang are also mood-enhancers; or try rosemary for mental fatigue, when you are feeling overwhelmed by intrusive details. Burn sandalwood incense for relaxation, myrrh for protection and cedar and sage to enliven and purify the atmosphere.
Nurture your sense of touch
Gentle bodywork and/or energy-balancing are good first steps if you are feeling too vulnerable for massage. Try Watsu Water Massage (watsu.com), a gentle form of acupressure performed while you are floating in body-temperature water; Reiki, a form of energy healing that harmonizes you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; or Rubenfeld Synergy (rubenfeldsynergy.com), a therapy that combines dialogue with emotional energy blocks plus bodywork to free up tight shoulders, clenched jaws and other manifestations of tension and emotional pain.
Care for your physical appearance
Research shows that loss can create a major disruption of your identity. That first moment of really looking at yourself in the mirror may make you wonder why you are still standing there in the same body when you feel so completely different. Consider making a deliberate gesture to help you feel more pulled together. A haircut, a new piece of clothing, a ceremonial bath or bodywork, or even a session in a Native American-style sweat lodge can help you to ritualize thebeginning of this new stage of your life journey.
Healing Your Heart
Can your heart truly be broken? Acute stress can cause a disruption in the heart’s rhythms, according to researchers at the Institute of HeartMath (heartmath.com), a stress-management and research organization in Boulder Creek, California. But HeartMath studies also suggest that shifting your focus away from the source of stress while consciously activating your heart with feelings of love and appreciation boosts the immune system, helps regulate hormonal balance and creates a sense of wellbeing.
I was not familiar with this research at the time of my husband’s death, but I knew that I was grieving for both myself and Jim. In order to avoid the trap of wallowing exclusively in my own misery and fears about the future, I felt it was important to spend time each day setting aside my worries while I focused my thoughts and feelings on my husband. I now believe this act was the most important grief work of all. It helped me find peace, strengthened my heart, kept love alive and taught me that death is not “the end,” but simply one stage in our personal evolution.
In most religious traditions, including Christian, Jewish, Muslim and Native American, adherents pray for the dead for various reasons and different lengths of time. While I don’t embrace a specific religion, I felt that although Jim’s body was gone, his consciousness was present and transitioning to a different spiritual reality. I wanted to participate and support that process, hoping that the energy of my loving thoughts and prayers would be helpful to him on his journey. I created the following meditation, and decided I would practice it for at least a year. I ended up doing it for two years and have since shared it with others. They confirm that it is healing, no matter how much time has passed after a loss.
Sit in your sacred space and prepare yourself with your own special opening ritual—for example, a prayer or the lighting of a candle or incense. You may want to spend time “clearing the decks”—voicing your thoughts, releasing feelings and balancing your energy—so that you can focus on the pure intention of giving to your loved one.
When you feel centered, close your eyes and visualize the face or call up a general sense of your loved one. When the energy of this experience is at its height, send a beam of unconditionally loving energy out of your heart to this person. You can imagine a beam of light or a color, but pay special attention to the sensations of power in your heart moving out towards your loved one. Hold this feeling for a few moments, leaving your own concerns aside in order to devote all of your energy to simply wishing your loved one well.
When it feels appropriate to end, ask for help on your own journey ahead. Give thanks for the love and support that you know is always there from your loved one, your ancestors, and your spiritual guides and teachers. Give thanks even if you can’t see the way ahead and even though it may be hard to know what to feel thankful for.
Asking for help calls energy in; giving thanks sends it out. Your heart is the doorway for this universal rhythm of loving.
By keeping your heart open, you stay connected to the most powerful healing of all.